Joe One-Half: Book One of Joe the Wanderer
by D the Stampede
Summary: After surviving a game for his life set up by a god named the Faceless One, Our hero Joe is sent to wander the planes of reality. Starting, unfortunately with a dip in the spring of drowned girl at Jusenkyo. Chapter 5 is finally here. sorry about the wait.
1. The Faceless One's Game

Disclaimer type thing-Goes here, but does this chapter need one? It lacks any actually Ranma One-half characters after all.

"Blah."-speech

'Blah'-thoughts or telepathic communication

D the Stampede presents

Joe One-Half-Book One of Joe the Wanderer

Chapter One-The Faceless One's Game

One

Pain was the first sensation Joe felt as he returned to awareness. The next thing he realized was the he was lying flat on his back on something hard. Opening his eyes proved a mistake because it caused a wave of pain and nausea to pass through him. Once the urge to vomit had passed and his vision cleared, Joe found himself looking up at the impossible. He was staring up at an empty white void. Sitting up slowly and looking around, he quickly determined that said void surrounded him. He then said the first thing that came to mind, "What the hell?"

"Hell? Not quite." He was answered by a voice that seemed to boom in from every direction at once, "This is Limbo, actually."

Despite the pain he was in, Joe jumped to his feet and shouted, "And who the hell are you? Better yet, where are you?" He added as he spun around, looking for the voice's source.

"I am the Faceless One," Said his own voice from right behind him.

"Shit!" Joe shouted as he jumped away from the voice and whirled. Standing there was his doppelganger. From his messy brown hair, brown eyes and height of six feet to the clothes he was wearing, a denim work-shirt worn open over a Gorillaz T-shirt and jeans, the now named Faceless One was Joe's exact double. "What the hell are you?"

"A God, Joseph," Stated Joe's duplicate, "Do you mind if I call you Joseph, Mr. Barton?"

"A God?" Joe questioned.

"Yes, a God. Don't tell me you believe in the one omniscient, omnipotent God. That one does not exist." The Faceless One said with a grimace. "But that has nothing to do with the here and now, now does it, Joseph."

"I guess not." Joe agreed before adding, "And I'm Joe, not Joseph or Mr. Barton. Those names were my father's. "

"Alright then, Joe it is." The Faceless One agreed. "Now that that's decided, aren't you curious as to what is happening."

"Well, if it wasn't for the pain I'd say I was having a very frigging weird dream." Joe said, shrugging. He then collapsed as another wave of pain squeezed his temples like someone had stuck his head in a vice.

"Oh, what's happening is very real, Joe." The Faceless One snarled before kicking Joe in the face and breaking his nose. "Don't disbelieve that."

"Ow, what the fuck!" Joe shouted from his spot on the ground as he clutched both his throbbing temples and broken nose. Then suddenly, all the pain was gone. Joe checked his nose, finding it to have healed as suddenly as it had been broken. Joe scrambled to stand back up as quickly as he could.

"There, all better." The Faceless One smirked before adding, "Now, as I've already asked, aren't you curious as to what is happening?"

"Alright, I'll bite. What's going on here?" Joe asked quietly, rubbing his temples.

"There, that wasn't so hard, now was it?" The Faceless asked mockingly before continuing, "It started long, long ago with a war of Gods and Goddesses that shook realities. I was one of those involved, of course. Ultimately on the losing side, unfortunately, seeing as it led to my imprisonment here." Seeing Joe open his mouth to speak, The Faceless One interrupted, "But what does that have to do with you?"

"That's a good question, but not what I was going to ask of you." Joe said.

"Then what do you want?" Demanded the Faceless One, frowning.

"Could you please not be me?" Joe asked meekly, fearing his request would bring on another attack of some kind.

Instead, the Faceless One grinned wickedly and asked, "That making you uncomfortable is it?"

"Um, yeah," Joe agreed, expecting the admission to make the Faceless One refuse to change.

"Very well." Agreed the Faceless One to Joe's surprise, then he was suddenly different. He now was a man of average height wearing a black hoodie over jeans, but that was all Joe could tell since his hood somehow cast most of his face in shadow. "Now then, back to the story. Eventually, the bonds holding me captive in Limbo began to weaken. Oh, it's not enough for me to escape." He continued, waving off Joe's next question, "However, it is enough for me to bring things here. And that is where you come in."

Joe asked at the prompt, "How so?"

Something bumped into Joe's leg from behind. Whirling in surprise while berating himself for turning him back on the Faceless One at the same time, Joe found himself looking at Billy the puppet from the Saw movies on a tricycle. "Hello Joseph," Said the puppet in Jigsaw's voice, "I want to play a game. Win and you leave Limbo. Lose and you die. The object of the game is to fight your way to the top of the tower and defeat the Boss awaiting you there. Let the game begin."

"Cute, real freaking cute," Joe grumbled, kicking the puppet as hard as he could and turning back to the Faceless One only to find him gone. In his place stood a six-story tower. At Joe's feet lay a sheathed katana with a note attached. Picking the sword up, Joe read the note aloud, "It's dangerous to go alone. Take this," Joe frowned before shouting, "This game isn't fair! I don't how to fight!"

'On the contrary, Joe, you do,' Said the Faceless One directly into Joe's mind, 'You see, I've altered you a little. You now are a capable martial artist, both in Hand-to-hand and with a katana. The pain you felt upon waking up was due to the fact I had altered your muscles and mind.'

"Gee, thanks for that. Anything else you need to tell me?" Joe shot back, "Such as why you've done all this?"

'Watch your tone when speaking to me, Joe,' The Faceless One chided as Joe's head erupted in pain, 'But to answer your question, I've done this partly because I can, but mostly due to the boredom caused by the centuries of imprisonment. As to things I need to tell you, I've linked us telepathically so there is no need for you to speak aloud. Just direct your thoughts at me. Is there anything else? I am getting impatient with your stalling. And before you even ask, I had no reason whatsoever for choosing you, I just chose a human and reality at random. Now begin the game or die where you stand.'

'Alright,' Joe thought back as he walked up to the door of the tower and entered.

Two

Joe nearly caught an arrow with his left eye as the door slammed shut behind him. Only by jerking his head right did he avoid dying on the spot. Still, the arrow sliced open his cheek on its way by. "Frigging hell!" He cursed as he surveyed his situation and found himself surrounded by six faceless attackers wielding various weapons including the one with the bow with the still vibrating string. Two of the others held longswords while two more held spears. The sixth one appeared unarmed save for a bag attached to his belt. "Not good," Joe said to himself aloud as the bowman strung another arrow and the others stepped forward readying to attack save the unarmed one who hung back. Joe drew his katana and flipped its sheath over in his left hand, preparing to block attacks with it. Then the swordsmen rushed in while the bowman released his arrow. Blocking the sword strikes with katana and sheath, Joe ducked this arrow. He then kicked his right-hand attacker in the knee and stabbed him in the chest when their swords disengaged. As that swordsman vanished in a puff of smoke a la Legend of Zelda, Joe turned his attention on his left-hand attacker with an overhead slash. When it was blocked, he slammed his sheath into the side of the swordsman's neck before kneeing him in the crotch. Sensing one of the spearmen charging in from behind, Joe rolled over the top of his kneeling opponent to dodge the spearman's stab. He then turned and kicked the kneeling swordsman in the ass, sending him sprawling out on his face and also tripping the spearman. He then finished both enemies with a downward stab. Looking back up, Joe noted that the remaining spearman had backed off and the unarmed enemy was reaching into his bag while the bowman launched another arrow Joe's way. Knocking it aside with his sheath, Joe shouted, "Is that all ya got?" Their response was for his one opponent to pull something out of his bag and throw it at Joe's feet. Looking down, Joe saw that it was a fuse-bomb. "Shit!" Joe cursed as he jumped aside from the explosion.

'No, Joe. That isn't all they have.' The Faceless One snickered into Joe's mind as Joe's bomb-wielding foe drew another one from his bag. Joe ignored this bit of commentary as he found himself ducking another arrow before rushing the bomb-wielder, kicking aside another bomb on his way. The spear wielder was suddenly there between Joe and the bomb thrower, blocking Joe's katana with the haft of his spear. The spearman shifted his position to catch Joe's follow-up sheath bash on his shoulder. Shrugging the blow off, the spearman lashed out with a punch to Joe's jaw, and then leapt backward as Joe staggered back from the blow.

"Damn it!" Joe gritted out in pain as the next arrow struck him in the left shoulder. He then found himself on the defense from a flurry of spear thrusts that knocked both katana and sheath from his hands.

'Don't tell me you are going to die so early in the game, Joe.' The Faceless One said into Joe's mind as Joe continued to dodge thrusts of his foe's spear. 'That would really be disappointing.'

'Please shut up,' Joe thought back as he ducked the next strike and closed in to deliver a head-butt to the spearman's jaw. He then followed that with a knee in the gut. He then ripped the spear from his enemy's hands and dropped to his knees as he heard the next arrow fly in at him from behind. It struck the spearman in his blank visage and he puffed out of existence. Joe meanwhile spun on the spot and flung the spear at the bowman, who took it in the chest. Reaching down to pick up his fallen sword and sheath, Joe said to his remaining opponent, "Guess it's just you and me, now."

A lipless slit of a mouth appeared on the bomb-man's otherwise blank visage as he replied, "Yeah, so it is."

"Okay, that's just creepy." Joe said, sheathing his katana and sliding it through the loop that appeared on the left side of his belt. The bomb-man frowned in response before digging another bomb out of his bag and throwing it at Joe. "Return to sender." Joe cracked as he caught it and threw it back at his foe's feet.

'Well, shit!' The bomb-man exclaimed just before both the bomb and he exploded. When the smoke cleared, only the bag of bombs remained.

'Congratulations you got the bomb bag. It holds up to ten bombs.' Said the Faceless One as Joe claimed said bag and tied it to his belt. Ignoring the Faceless One, Joe examined the room he had just been fighting for his life in. In the middle of the back wall was a door. When he tried it, Joe found that it was locked.

"Of course it's locked." Joe berated himself aloud before continuing his examination of the room. In each corner of the room was a jar. Also, there were cracked stones in the middle of both side walls. Walking over to the closer jar on his right, Joe smashed it, finding an unlit bomb within. He stuck it in his newly claimed bomb bag and counted his bombs. He now had eight. "Okay, point taken." He said as he pulled out a bomb and after receiving a shock as it lit as it left the bag, set it by the cracked wall and ran. After the explosion, Joe walked through the hole left in the wall and found himself in a chamber with a raised dais in the center of it. On the dais was a treasure chest. Joe opened it to find it empty. "What the hell?" He asked no one as he reached into it and felt around, and barely jumped back in time to avoid having his arm bitten off as the chest grew teeth and snapped shut. "Great. A mimic," Joe said as he jumped back again to avoid the lunge of the chest. Drawing his katana, Joe slashed at the mimic to no effect. "Great." Joe repeated as he sheathed his katana again while dodging the next lunge. "Okay, if my sword doesn't work, then…" Joe concluded as he drew a bomb from his bag and threw it into the mimic's gaping maw. He then turned and ran as the beast swallowed the explosive and proceeded to blow up. When Joe turned back to face the remains of the mimic, it vanished in the familiar puff of smoke and another chest appeared on the dais in a flash of light. "That a real treasure chest, I hope?" Joe asked aloud.

'You don't really think I would perform the same trick twice in a row, do you?' hissed the Faceless One into Joe's mind.

'Right,' Joe replied, flinching at the venom in the Faceless One's mental voice. He walked up to the chest and opened it. Inside was a bag filled with vials of blue liquid. 'Don't suppose these are healing potions.' Joe thought as he counted them. There were six.

'You are correct, Joe.' The Faceless One mocked.

"Well, here goes nothing." Joe said, tying the bag to his belt by his bag of bombs. He then grabbed the arrow in his shoulder and pulled it out, biting back a scream of pain. Noting that it was barbed, Joe threw it aside before popping open one of the healing potions and gulping it down. "Huh, mint." Joe had time to note before his shoulder and face erupted in searing pain. 'What the hell!' He thought, clamping his mouth shut.

'Hurts? It shall pass in moments.' The Faceless One noted.

After the pain passed and he had checked his wounded face and shoulder to find them completely healed, Joe asked, 'Why did that hurt so damn much?'

'What? Did you really expect healing without cost?' The Faceless One questioned Joe back.

Instead of responding, Joe simply bombed the other cracked wall. Behind it was another chest, this one holding the key to the door to the next room. Joe used it and moved on.

Three

Unknown to Joe, he was being watched by someone other than the Faceless One. In the top room of the tower, a cloaked figure sat at a table upon there was a crystal ball sitting. "This is the one my creator chose to play the game? I'm practically free already. He's never even going to make up it here, let alone defeat me." The figure whispered in a feminine voice while watching Joe's actions in the crystal ball.

"Careful, Draca, that kind of arrogance could get you slain by him." Stated the Faceless One from behind the now named Draca.

"It is not arrogance, my creator, just my opinion. If the perils of the tower don't kill him, he will anger you enough for you to do so." Draca replied.

"Oh? Then your opinion is at least half wrong." The Faceless One stated, anger entering his voice, "I am not going to kill him after all the energy I spent bringing him here and preparing him and the game."

"I-I apologize." Draca stammered, cringing away from her angry creator.

"Accepted." The Faceless One replied before vanishing.

Four

As Joe climbed the stairs to the third floor, he grumbled aloud, "Two floors of the same damn faceless warriors. Whatever else the Faceless One is, he's not very original."

'Oh?' Replied the Faceless One, 'Perhaps, perhaps not. Whatever the case may be, you still have four floors worth of battle ahead of you before you are free of Limbo.'

'Joy.' Joe shot back as he reached the top of the stairs.

"There you are!" Exclaimed Joe's own voice as a trapdoor closed on the stairs behind him, "You sure know how to keep a guy waiting."

"Shit!" Joe exclaimed as he looked across the room at his doppelganger, noting that he held a katana in each hand. "Suppose I have to fight you now."

"Yup." The look-alike agreed.

"And you fight like I do." Joe added.

"Oh yeah. But it gets even better. My swords are magical." The clone replied, shrugging.

"How so?" Joe asked.

"Well, Hack here is vampiric." The clone stated, waving his left-hand blade, "And Slash channels Ki into a distance attack, like so. Ki-Slash!" And with those words, Joe's double swung his right-hand katana, causing a crescent shaped blade of energy to fly at Joe. Joe rolled under the attack and jumped behind a column off to his left.

"Frigging hell!" Joe swore from his hiding place behind the column, drawing his own katana and sheath from his belt while checking his surroundings. The chamber they were in was roughly as big around as the interior of the tower with a dozen columns spaced randomly throughout. 'What's the idea giving mid-boss here such an advantage over me' Joe thought furiously at the Faceless One.

The Faceless One remained silent as the doppelganger spoke up again, "Hiding from me isn't going to help you. Ki-Slash!" A moment later, Joe felt the blade of Ki impact on his back through the column and knock him on his face, sending both his blade and sheath flying from his hands.

"Damnit Damnit Damnit!" Joe swore as he sprang to his feet and felt his wound. It was shallow, but right over his spine, "Damn that was close."

"Huh. Guess that pillar was some protection after all. That should have cut you in two." With that statement, the doppelganger charged at Joe. Noting that said pillar had cracks running through it along with being cut through, Joe pulled a bomb out and threw it at the pillar. As the bomb exploded and took a chunk out of the column, the column decided it had had enough abuse and collapsed between Joe and the charging clone, halting the clone's attack. Joe jumped over the fallen column and kicked his doppelganger in his face, sending him to the floor and breaking his nose. Joe lashed out with another kick, but the clone rolled back out of reach and back up onto his feet. "Good to see you have some fight in you." The clone noted.

"Why's that?" Joe questioned.

"Because win or lose, I cease to exist. The Faceless One created me just for this game just like the rest of your foes." The doppelganger explained, "So I don't want this to end too quickly." He finished, going back on the attack with a series of slashes.

'Shit,' Joe thought as he evaded the doppelganger's attacks, 'Can't find an opening.'

"Damnit!" Swore the doppelganger as he suddenly broke off his attack and jumped back, "Can't you leave at least a tiny hole in your defense for me to exploit?"

"Hey Clone-boy. I'm not enjoying this either." Joe shot back.

"Well, there's where you are wrong. I am enjoying this very much." The doppelganger said, shrugging, "It's what I was created for after all. And now that I think about it, I can't lose!"

"And why is that?" Joe questioned, eyebrow raised.

"Think about it. Us being equals plus me welding magic katanas plus you having had to fight your way here while I sat and waited equals you dying." The doppelganger concluded with a wicked grin and a laugh, "I'm simply going to outlast you."

'Shit, he's right.' Joe thought as he realized he was already tiring, "And what about that shit about you ceasing to exist when the game ends." He replied sarcastically.

"That being true, I might as well enjoy killing you, right? Ki-Slash!"

Joe ducked the blade of Ki and threw a bomb at his doppelganger's feet. The doppelganger ducked around a column to avoid the explosion. Joe ran over to pick up his fallen katana and ducked behind another column. 'Damn! I need to think of something fast or I'm going to die here!' Joe thought furiously to himself.

"Hiding again?" The doppelganger said with a mocking laugh. "Ki-Slash!" Joe held his breath and waited for the impact, sure that this one was going sever his spine. Then the blade of Ki traveled through the column off to his left. As Joe let his breath out in a sigh of relief, his clone swore, "Damn. I missed. Guess we finish this close-up, because I'm a bit drained after four Ki attacks."

"Really? Then come and get me." Joe shouted back.

Upon hearing Joe's voice, the doppelganger charged around the pillar he had heard Joe's voice come from. And he was greeted with an exploding bomb instead of his opponent. 'Damnit. How?' Were the clone's last thoughts. Joe, meanwhile, exhaled and slid down the column he was hiding behind.

'Well played, Joe' The Faceless One congratulated Joe mentally. 'How did you do it? I was sure the doppelganger was right and you were going to die by his hand.'

"Wasn't complicated." Joe stated aloud, "Soon as he said he was enjoying this, I knew he only looked like me and was not me. I am not enjoying this game of yours."

'Oh?' The Faceless One questioned.

"So with that in mind, I gambled on that fact that he didn't have my memories, either. Otherwise he would know about the time I was obsessed with ventriloquism. Learned to throw my voice just fine, but never got the hang of keeping my mouth shut while my dummy was talking." Joe explained as he dug out a healing potion and took it.

'It is true that I only copied your appearance and the skills I had granted you when creating your doppelganger.' The Faceless One admitted before continuing; 'Now claim your prizes and get moving, the game is only half over you know.'

"Yeah, I know. Wait… Prizes?" Joe questioned.

'Yes, your double's swords are now your swords. And you're getting into a bad habit speaking to me aloud like that.' The Faceless One sent the mental equivalent of a frown. 'Now don't make me tell you to get moving a third time. It will hurt, I promise.'

'Alright, I'm going.' Joe said as he got back to his feet and walked over to claim his fallen clone's katanas. He found them lying on the floor sheathed. Of the doppelganger, there was nothing. On impulse, Joe lifted the swords over his head and hummed "Da Da Dum."

'And what was that about, Joe?' The Faceless One questioned.

'Well, you've stuck me in a generic rip-off of a Legend of Zelda dungeon, so I thought I'd try humming the got dungeon item theme.' Joe thought back as he removed his old sword's sheath from his belt and replaced it with his new swords. He then paused to wait for the temperamental god to punish him somehow.

Nothing happened for several seconds, then a new pair of mental voices intruded in Joe's mind, 'Hey, we aren't just items.'

"Huh?" Joe said, confused.

'I'm Hack.' One of the new voices replied to Joe's unasked question.

'I'm Slash.' Added the other.

'And we are your new swords.' They said in unison.

"Great." Joe sighed, "My new katanas have minds of their own." He then thought at the Faceless One, 'Is there anything else I should know about them.'

'Not much.' Replied the Faceless One, 'they are unbreakable and cannot be wielded by anyone other than you; at least until they claim them by slaying you.'

'And…'

'Don't worry, they can't take control of your body or otherwise manipulate you.' The Faceless One reassured Joe. There was the sound of stone scraping against stone as a trapdoor opened in the center of the room's ceiling and a ladder descended from the opening. 'And there is the path forward, so get moving.' The god repeated.

'I'm going to die of fatigue before even reaching the tower's top floor.' Joe complained as he walked up to the ladder and started climbing it.

'Don't worry, boss. That's what I'm here for.' The voice of Hack answered, 'I am vampiric if you'll remember.'

'That's right.' Slash added, 'Hack's ability will restore your energy even as he drains that of your enemies.'

Five

"Well, Draca?" The Faceless One questioned the mysterious woman watching Joe's actions through her crystal ball.

"He's faring better than I thought. However, I will be the one to leave Limbo." Draca answered.

"And why is that?" The Faceless questioned.

"Even with all you've given him, he is but a man and I am so much more than a woman." Draca answered.

"Still arrogant, I see." The Faceless One concluded as he vanished again.

"It is not arrogance." Draca shouted at the now empty chamber angrily, "I will show you that my creator."

Six

Joe climbed the stairs to the sixth and final floor of the tower bouncing a large key in his hand. 'That trick with the real chest hidden in a room full of mimics was really damn annoying, I'll have you know.' He thought at the Faceless One.

'Yes, I suppose it was.' The Faceless One replied, sounding amused. 'But the game is almost over one way or the other.' He added as Joe reached the top of the stairs.

'Great… Why do I feel that my problems are only beginning when I defeat whatever lies past these doors.' Joe answered with a shake of his head as he stared at the locked double doors to the tower's final room.

'Because I did not go to all this trouble to send you back home to your dull, pointless life after the game ends.' The Faceless One replied, sending the image of a smirk into Joe's mind.

"What?" Joe exclaimed aloud in shock. "Then where the hell am I going?"

'That's an unknown even to me, Joe. You see the device I created to allow you to leave Limbo is designed to send you traveling the planes of reality at random. But you are putting the cart in front of the horse right now, considering that you haven't faced your final challenge to claim said device.' The Faceless One finished.

"Alright, let's do this." Joe said aloud to himself more than anything as he opened the doors in front of him and entered the final room. Upon examining the room, Joe found it was empty save for the small table and single chair in the room's center. Sitting on the chair was a cloaked figure muttering to itself. "Hey, you the final boss in this damn game?" Joe questioned the muttering figure.

"And the creator called me arrogant." The figure complained before standing and turning to face Joe. "Yes, I am." She replied simply, her cloak still concealing everything about her. "I am the half-Dragoness Sorcerer, Draca." She finished, whipping off her cloak and revealing her appearance. A pair of shorts and bikini top revealed that her whole body was covered in shiny red scales. Along with her reptilian yellow eyes, tail and fingers and toes ending in claws, she was definitely inhuman looking. "Nothing to say, dead man?" She questioned, noting Joe's surprise at her appearance. And was surprised and annoyed when Joe started laughing. "What?" She demanded.

"Draca was the best the Faceless One could come up with when naming you?" Joe questioned through his laughter. "I'm sorry, but for a god, he's bad with names."

Draca's tail lashed angrily as she snapped, "Don't mock my creator, you worthless human. Just for that I'm going to make your death slow and painful. And then, I will finally be able to leave Limbo."

"Wait a second. Finally be able to leave Limbo?" Joe questioned, confused.

"Yes, finally." Draca repeated before adding, "Unlike the rest of the faceless goons and monsters you've hacked your way through on the way here, I've existed for long before today. And I will not cease to be for your sake. Especially since I'll finally get to leave once you are dead."

Not wanting to know, but unable to stop from asking, Joe asked, "How long have you been here?"

"About twenty years." Draca replied, shrugging. At Joe's look, she added, "Oh, it hasn't been so bad. The creator raised me from a child and we were always able to see out of Limbo. However, things have changed recently. The creator has found other entertainment and I've grown bored with watching. I wish to be doing."

"I'm not the first." Joe stated, coming to a realization.

"No, you're not." Draca confirmed, "Although none have done as well as you. However, this is the first time I've been allowed to play. And you won't be getting by me. Now quit stalling and prepare to die."

Drawing Hack and Slash, Joe said, "Pity about this fighting to the death thing."

"More like a pity about the me killing you thing, really." That said she spat a large fireball at Joe, who narrowly managed to jump aside. She then appeared to clone herself three times with the duplicates rising from the floor in way that they surrounded Joe.

"Ki-Slash." Joe unleashed his own ranged attack on the Draca in front of him only for her to fade away when it struck her and continue on to cleave her crystal ball in two.

"Did you really it was going to be that easy?" Draca questioned in stereo.

"I could hope." Joe responded before throwing himself to the floor to avoid an incoming fireball from behind. He then heard the real Draca rush forward to attack as her illusions disappeared. He rolled forward to avoid her attack, but not quite fast enough, seeing as her claws raked his back. He whirled around in a spinning slash with Slash leading, but Draca had already teleported away. Looking around, Joe noted that he was surrounded again. Noting that the Dracas all appeared to breathing in for another fireball, Joe quickly unleashed another Ki-Slash at the Draca in front of him. This time, she tried dodging, but was too slow as the attack slashed through the left side of her chest, taking out her heart and left lung.

"How?" She asked silently before collapsing.

"Simple. You nearly had me with the back-stabbing ploy the first time so I was willing to gamble you weren't going to try it again immediately." Joe explained to the dying half-dragoness on the floor. At the same time, he felt sick at the thought of having killed an actual person as he watched her bleeding on the floor.

"Well done, Joe. Well done." The Faceless One congratulated as he appeared behind Joe.

"That all you have to say?" Joe asked, anger filling him. "She was basically your daughter."

"Yes, she was. However, I had tired of her. Perhaps if she had killed you and left Limbo in your place, she would have been interesting again." The Faceless One answered simply.

"I see." Joe said as he reached into his potion pouch and took one out. Swallowing the potion, Joe bit back a scream of pain as the claw marks on his back healed at an accelerated rate. "So what's the point of all this?" He questioned after his back finished healing.

"Why my entertainment of course, I thought my dear departed Draca had told you that." The Faceless One replied, disappearing to reappear in front of Joe. He then threw two small objects at Joe. Not sensing any danger from them, Joe caught them. Turning his hands over, Joe examined the objects now in them. One was a stopwatch that appeared to be counting down, the other a ring.

"Okay." Joe said after a few seconds, "What exactly are these?"

"Your reward for victory, of course. The stopwatch will open a portal out of here when it reaches zero and the ring, well, that allows you to alter your clothes however you what by your will alone. It will also keep them clean without washing." The Faceless One explained, "Go ahead, and try it."

Joe did, finding that it was sized to his left pinky. With just a thought, his shirts were whole and clean, "Okay. That's kind of cool." He said.

"I'm so glad it meets you approval." The Faceless One mocked. Meanwhile, the stopwatch reached zero and with a beep a beam of energy shot out of it to the floor to form a portal. "Well, there's your ticket out of here." The Faceless One said from behind Joe again. And with those words, he shoved Joe through the portal.

Seven

As he fell through the portal, Joe had just enough time to realize where he was falling to. And so, it was a swearing, pissed-off nineteen-year old that landed in the spring of drowned girl in the valley of Jusenkyo. SHE emerged from the spring, spat out a mouthful of water and continued cursing as she examined her new body. Finally, she concluded, "Well, at least it wasn't one of the animal springs."

'That's the way to look at it.' The Faceless One interjected into Joe's mind.

'Shit, Your still there?' Joe thought back.

'Of course, how else am I to be entertained by you? And you had best remain entertaining or I will kill you." The Faceless One concluded, the pain in Joe's head returning and building until she fell to her hands and knees, vomited and passed out.

End of Chapter.

Next time- Joe is found by the guide and the Saotomes come to Jusenkyo.


	2. After the Game

Disclaimer-Seeing as I am a poor white guy living in America and not a rich Japanese woman, I think it's safe to say that Ranma One-Half isn't mine. Joe, the Faceless One, Hack and Slash are, though.

"Blah."-Speech

'Blah'-thoughts or telepathic communication

D the Stampede Presents

Joe One-Half: Book One of Joe the Wanderer

Chapter Two-After the Game

One

'This is strange.' The Jusenkyo guide thought as a hole appeared in the air and a foreign teenager fell out of it into the Spring of Drowned Girl, shouting curses in English the whole time. He stood back as the now female teenager climbed out of the spring, still cursing while she examined her new body.

He was about to go to the transformed boy to explain about his new Jusenkyo curse when he heard her say, "Well, at least it wasn't an animal spring." The implication that he had known about the springs already caused the guide to pause in surprise. Then Jusenkyo's newest victim surprised the guide again when she collapsed to her hands and knees, screaming in pain, vomited and passed out. The guide rushed over to check on her. After determining that she had a pulse was breathing on her own and nothing was broken, the guide picked her up and took her to his hut to recover and warm up some water to restore her to a him.

Two

Joe found himself in a familiar white emptiness, "Am I back in Limbo somehow?" He questioned himself.

"No." The Faceless One said, appearing before him, "This is your mindscape. Can't say I'm impressed with the décor or rather the lack of it."

"Okay, what the hell do you want?" Joe fairly snarled.

"Do you really think that is a wise tone of voice to take with someone who can end your life with a thought?" The Faceless One, sounding more amused than anything.

"No, but I'm pissed. The game wasn't enough? You had to drop me off over Jusenkyo?" Joe replied.

"Ah, but you are blaming me for something I didn't do." The Faceless One said with a shrug, "It was the watch that selected the reality and the location within."

"Maybe, but there's no point getting angry with a stopwatch, but you? You're definitely to blame for all of it. Why couldn't you have picked someone else to screw over?" Joe said.

"Fine, I can see you're in no mood to talk. So wake up!" The Faceless One exclaimed as Joe's mindscape faded away as Joe woke.

Three

Joe awoke in a bed looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Checking himself revealed he was still a she. "Hello?" She called out, looking around to find she was in a small bedroom.

The door opened and in walked the guide, "Oh, you're awake, Mr. Customer." In his hands was a kettle.

"One second on that. Do you have a mirror?" Joe asked, getting out of bed.

"Of course, Mr. Customer, it's out here in the main room." The guide answered leading Joe out of the bedroom into the other room, "It has been here longer than I have. Don't see many customers here in Jusenkyo nowadays, after all."

"Gee, I wonder why that is." Joe replied sarcastically as she looked in the mirror, which was a full length one, "Okay, about four inches shorter, large boobs, and blonde. Where the hell did the blonde hair come from? There have been no blondes in the family tree as far as I know. Having this scar kinda sucks, though." She finished her assessment, touching the scar on her left cheek. 'Hey, why didn't you make those potions heal me up completely, huh? Why did they have to leave scars behind?' All she got from the Faceless One was angry silence. How she knew it was angry, she didn't know. "Alright, pass the kettle." She said to the guide. After receiving said kettle, she poured some hot water over her and watched herself return to being himself. The sensation was an odd one, kind of like his whole body fell asleep for the duration of the transformation. "That's much better. Too bad cold water will turn me back into a girl."

"Mr. Customer, I am curious as to how you knew about Jusenkyo already." The guide said.

"You wouldn't believe me. And by the way, you speak excellent English." Joe replied, trying to change subjects.

It didn't work. The guide simply pointed out, "I watched you fall out of a hole in the sky, Mr. Customer."

With a sigh, Joe said, "Yes, yes you did. And it's Joe, by the way. What's your name?" He finished as he stripped off his shirts and stared at the scar on his shoulder.

"I'm just the Jusenkyo guide." The guide stated, staring at the scars on Joe's back, 'I guess he just isn't going to answer me.'

"Right." Joe replied sarcastically, stretching the word out.

Four

That night after falling asleep in the sleeping bag that the guide had given him, Joe found himself facing off with the Faceless One in his mindscape again. "Ready to talk yet?" The Faceless One asked indifferently.

"Sure, why not?" Joe replied, "If you're ready to give out some answers."

"I am. Ask your questions." The god said with a shrug.

"Okay. I obviously know where I am. So when is it?" Joe asked his first question.

After a long moment in which Joe began to doubt an answer was coming, the Faceless One replied, "It is the night before the Saotomes arrive at Jusenkyo."

"Okay. Why did that take so long to answer?" Joe questioned.

"What a boring and stupid question." The Faceless One taunted, "However, I suppose I can come up with an answer simple enough for you to understand. The short and simple version is that I had to divide my attention between our conversion and the timeline of the reality you are now in."

"Alright, what is it I am supposed to do now that I am here?" Joe asked, ignoring the insults. To do otherwise was to invite the rather temperamental god to inflict pain, after all.

"Whatever it is you choose to. The obvious path though is to join the Saotomes in their travels. Or at least that is what I suspect would be the most entertaining for me." The Faceless One said.

"That sounds a lot like self-insertion fanfiction to me. And that shit tends to suck. Not to mention there's a little something called a language barrier there. I don't speak Japanese." Joe replied.

"One, It's just a suggestion although you would be wise to take it. And two, there is no language barrier since I have given you the gift of tongues. You now know most mortal languages." The Faceless One said smugly.

"Damn it!" Joe cursed, "What the hell else did you do to me?"

"Nothing more than I've already told you about now." The Faceless One's voice was amused now, "However, there is one more thing."

"What?"

"The watch returned to you after you dropped falling through the portal. You cannot lose it or destroy it. In fact, it would be rather painful for you to try the latter, just to let you know." The Faceless One stated.

"Okay. How long do I have before it opens another portal? And what would happen if I didn't go through it." Joe asked.

"First, just under a year. Second, it would suck you in." The god said with another shrug.

Five

Two weeks later, in the streets of the Nerima district of Tokyo, a number of average citizens watched as a teenage girl fought with a panda while a gaijin girl followed. Joe's attention was mostly focused inward, however. 'You have failed so far to alter the timeline in any major way, Joe.' The Faceless One stated angrily, 'I am becoming rather bored.'

'That isn't my fault. The Saotomes wouldn't listen to me about Jusenkyo anymore then they listened to the guide in canon. And as for Shampoo, its tough luck for Ranma, but he needs Cologne's training to survive the fights later on.' Joe replied. The Faceless One's response was to give Joe a migraine. 'Ouch! Damn it! What was that for?' Joe got no answer, not that she was expecting one. Then the fight between Ranma and Genma ended in its normal way with the panda hitting the girl over the head with a street sign and Joe was kept busy running after the panda. 'Tendo Dojo, here we come!'

End of Chapter

A/N-Next up, Joe and the Saotomes arrive at the Tendo Dojo and Joe starts trying to change things. Please read and review!


	3. Meeting the Tendos

Disclaimer-Seeing as I am a poor white guy living in America and not a rich Japanese woman, I think it's safe to say that Ranma One-Half isn't mine. Joe, the Faceless One, Hack and Slash are, though.

"Blah."-Speech

'Blah'-thoughts or telepathic communication

D the Stampede Presents

Joe One-Half: Book One of Joe the Wanderer

Chapter Three-Meeting the Tendos

One

As they entered the Tendo property, Ranma woke up and starting hitting Genma-panda over the head shouting, "Leggo Y' ol' fool." This was of course followed up by the sounds of Nabiki and Soun rushing to greet them. And then upon seeing the large panda running the other way to rejoin Soun's other daughters Kasumi and Akane. "Hey! Yo! You're scaring 'em spitless!" Ranma shouted from Genma-panda's shoulder.

"Daddy… This… is your friend?" Kasumi questioned while hiding behind her father. To which, Soun shook his head so vigorously that his hair flapped.

"Oh. So this panda just decided to visit! Happens all the time!" Nabiki exclaimed sarcastically from her position hiding behind her father. Joe decided to strike at this time, pulling out the thermos that she now carried all the time from her potion bag and throwing the contents on the panda. There were four thumps from the Tendos fainting as the panda became a man.

"Oops! I think I broke them!" Joe snickered.

'Now that was funny.' The Faceless One agreed in Joe's mind.

"Shut up, gaijin, that wasn't that funny!" Genma grumbled at Joe. Joe frowned at Genma's back for a second then punched him in the back of the head, "Ow! What was that for?"

"For using gaijin in an insulting manner like that." Joe replied, "And I keep telling you that the name's Joe."

"Will you put me down already, Pops?" Ranma questioned from where she had been thrown over Genma's shoulder.

"Yeah, you probably should." Joe agreed, "Then we should see about waking our hosts."

Two

A little while later, Soun woke up from where Joe and the Saotomes had laid them on the dining room floor. "I had the weirdest dream…" Soun started to say before he realized where he was.

"Did it involve a panda becoming your old friend Saotome Genma?" Joe asked from where he and the Saotomes were sitting, having retrieved a kettle of hot water for Ranma and himself from the kitchen.

Sitting up and looking toward towards the speaker, Soun took note of the brown haired, brown eyed gaijin who was obviously a swordsman by the pair of katana in his lap before looking to the man next to him and recognizing Genma, "That wasn't a dream, was it Saotome-kun?"

"No, Tendo-kun, it wasn't." Genma confirmed.

"How?" Soun asked.

"That should probably wait until your daughters are awake so we only have to explain once." Joe said even as the girls began to stir, "Hello!" He added to the girls as they sat up. And he was promptly ignored as they stared at Genma.

Soun apparently decided that this was the time for introductions, "Girls, this is my old friend Saotome Genma and…"

"My son, Ranma." Genma continued, pointing to Ranma, "And this is Barton Joseph." He finished, pointing to Joe.

"Were you really a panda when you arrived?" Kasumi asked Genma.

"Oh! Ranma is cute!" Nabiki exclaimed. Akane just glared silently at Ranma.

"Yes, Genma was a panda and don't you think you should introduce yourselves. Then we can explain." Joe said annoyance clear in his voice at being dismissed.

"Ah, yes. Barton-san was it? I am Tendo Soun and these are my daughters Kasumi, nineteen, Nabiki, Seventeen and Akane, sixteen." Soun said.

"Thank you, Tendo-san. And by the way, it's just Joe." Joe stated before adopting a thinking pose and wondering aloud, "Where to begin?" Before getting up and grabbing Genma and throwing him out into the Tendo's koi pond. "Cold water equals instant panda." He said as Genma-panda emerged from the pond.

"Was the demonstration really necessary?" the panda questioned with a sign he pulled out of nowhere.

"Oh my!" Kasumi exclaimed as the rest of the Tendos just stared.

Then Joe tossed Ranma in and a girl emerged, shouting, "Hey, what was that for?" Before Joe jumped in himself and emerged as a girl herself.

"Might as well show them all the curses." The Blonde explained to the Redhead.

"Daddy? Why are you friends with them?" Kasumi questioned her father.

"Saotome wasn't like this before." Soun replied.

Three

One hot bath for the Saotomes later and they returned to explain. Joe meanwhile, had just used her ring to dry and alter her clothes so they fit. Insert the Saotomes' flashback to Jusenkyo here.

Four

"The legendary ground of accursed springs… Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery." Soun stated.

"Feh! Whaddya mean true horror?" Ranma replied, and then turning to father and grabbing the front of his gi, continued, "Yo, old man, what's the idea draggin' me to a place like that, anyway?"

Joe hit Ranma over the head at this point and put in, "I didn't see him doing much dragging, Ranma-san. Besides, you both ignored the warnings the guide and I were trying to give you."

"I've been wondering, Joe-san, what are you doing here?" Nabiki asked the question all the Tendos were thinking.

"That's simple enough. I'm just a guy doing a martial arts tour of Asia. I was also too stupid to listen to the guide when he warned me. Moreover, I overestimated myself and was too clumsy to balance on the bamboo poles." Joe explained, lying through his teeth, "So when I saw these two do it like they were standing on solid ground, I begged training off of them."

"Haven't been able to get rid of the stupid gaijin, actually." Genma grumbled, only to receive a blow to the head from Joe.

Soun ignored this byplay to speak to Ranma, "Well, your problem isn't so bad after all."

"Huh?" Ranma replied intelligently.

"Pick whichever of my daughters you like. She'll be your fiancée." Soun answered. It was his turn to be hit over the head by Joe, "What's the big idea, Joe-san?"

"They don't really know each other yet! Besides, what is this, the feudal era?" Joe exclaimed.

"He makes a good point, daddy." Kasumi said, pretending she hadn't been about to pawn the engagement off on Akane.

"Yeah!" Nabiki agreed.

"As if any of us want to be engaged to that freak." Akane put in.

"But girls, it's a matter of honor between the Saotome and Tendo clans." Soun said.

"That's right." Genma agreed quickly.

"It's an oral agreement you two came up with while bar-hopping one night." Joe said drily, holding up Genma's journal for everyone to see.

"What?" The Tendo girls and Ranma exclaimed

"Thieving gaijin, when did you steal that?" Genma questioned Joe.

"Around the time you thought it would be good training for me to carry around Ranma's and your packs." Joe said, "Interesting read, too. Does your old friend here know that you sold Ranma's hand multiple times?"

"What?" Soun exclaimed, his demon head technique popping up.

"Now, now, Tendo-kun. None of those matter when compared to our agreement to unite the schools of anything goes." Genma said, trying to calm his friend while grabbing the journal from Joe, trying to burn holes through the American with his eyes. Joe just shrugged and let the matter drop, "How about you show us the dojo?" Genma added, trying to change the subject. To Joe's disbelief it worked.

Five

And so the Tendos, Saotomes and Joe went to the Dojo. "Hey, you said you were a martial artist?" Akane asked Joe. At Joe's nod, she asked, "Want to have a little match?"

"Sure." Joe replied, removing the still-sheathed Hack and Slash from her belt and tossing them into a corner.

'Damn it!' The swords exclaimed as one, 'We were hoping to taste blood. You've denied us for two weeks!'

'Shut up.' Joe thought back, then said aloud, "Two out of three hits?"

"Alright." Akane agreed.

"Ranma, will you judge for us?" Joe asked.

"I can't believe you're going to fight a girl." Ranma stated, earning a growl from Akane.

"Just do it." Joe said with a frown.

"Alright." Ranma agreed, "Begin." And so Akane and Joe entered their opening stances. Akane rushed Joe with a punch, which was ducked as Joe swept her feet out from under her and threw an axe kick at her stomach, which Akane rolled out of the way of. However, as Akane rose back to her feet, Joe connected with a flying roundhouse. "Point to Joe." Ranma announced.

"You're good." Akane said as she got back up.

"Thank you." Joe replied before throwing a kick aimed at Akane's stomach. Akane caught it and threw Joe to the floor before elbowing her in the stomach.

"Point to Akane." Ranma said, "Man, you are lame, Joe!" He promptly received a pair of dirty looks.

"You're not bad yourself." Joe told Akane as she rose to her feet, backing up. Akane jumped and threw her own flying kick, but Joe grabbed her leg and threw her bodily into the wall, where she hung upside-down for a moment before falling on her head. Joe followed on with a punch to the stomach.

"Last point to Joe." Ranma announced.

Six

Meanwhile, from his prison in Limbo, the Faceless One watched. "Pretty boring so far." A voice said from behind him.

"Ah, but the show has just begun, Draca." He said turning to the speaker.

"Maybe, but you don't trust Joe to make it interesting." The half-dragon woman retorted, "Otherwise, why revive me? So when are you sending me after him?"

"So eager to fight the one who killed you once." The Faceless One said shaking his head, "Have some patience."

End of Chapter

Please read and review.


	4. Of School and Jobs

Disclaimer-Seeing as I am a poor white guy living in America and not a rich Japanese woman, I think it's safe to say that Ranma One-Half isn't mine. Joe, the Faceless One, Hack, Slash and Draca are, though.

"Blah."-Speech

'Blah'-thoughts or telepathic communication

D the Stampede Presents

Joe One-Half: Book One of Joe the Wanderer

Chapter Four-Of School and Jobs

One

Joe woke up the next morning feeling better than he had in the last two weeks. After the workouts (Read beatings) that Genma and Ranma had given him his spar with Akane had been a light workout. Not to mention that the Faceless One had remained silent last night. Really, the only problem was the fathers of Ranma and the Tendo sisters. After trying again to force the engagement issue between Ranma and the girls again and failing, Genma and Soun had left the house to go drinking, lamenting stubborn children and an interfering gaijin. Thinking about annoyances, Joe shifted on his futon to look at Genma. Yes, that racket that had awoken Joe was the panda-man's snoring. Joe proceeded to get up, used his magic ring to alter his clothes from sweats and a tank top to his daily attire of jeans and a denim work-shirt over a T-shirt. This one patterned on an AC/DC T-shirt he owned before the Faceless One had changed his life forever. Then, picking up Hack and Slash, he opened the guest room window and jumped down to the lawn. Drawing his swords, he proceeded to start working out. 'Hey, when are you gonna let us taste someone's blood?' Hack asked.

'Yeah, when?' Slash put in.

'Not any time soon if I can help it.' Joe replied as he continued his workout.

"Hey!" Came a shout from towards the front of the yard. Joe stopped in mid-swing to look at Akane, who apparently was just returning from her morning jog.

"Yes, Akane-san?" He questioned in return.

"You were holding back last night, weren't you?" She replied, looking annoyed.

"Some." Joe admitted, "But honestly, I'm better with katana and they really have no place in a spar, now do they?"

"Why didn't you say something? I could have loaned you a pair of bokken." Akane said, her annoyance easing up.

"Right, when you want to beat on each other with sticks, just tell me." Joe answered.

Whatever Akane's reply to Joe's remark was going to be was lost as Kasumi called out to everyone that breakfast was ready.

Two

The Tendos looked on in surprise and a little disgust as they witnessed the Saotomes battle over their food for the first time. "Do they always do this?" Nabiki asked Joe.

"Yup! Something about everything being training in the art. I had to stab them each in the hand a few times with my fork a few times for them to get the message that my food was off-limits." At this point Genma made a grab for some of Joe's rice and received a fork to the back of his hand instead, "See what I mean? And I'm hopeless with chopsticks, by the way. Anyways, any of you know where a guy can find work?"

"Huh?" Was the collective response to the sudden change in subject.

"Where would I find work?" Joe repeated, "Got to be off their books, however. I kinda don't have a passport."

"Or much of anything else." Nabiki noted drily.

"True." Joe admitted.

"Son, are we going to hear your story?" Soun asked.

"You wouldn't believe me." Joe replied.

Giving Joe a half-lidded look, Nabiki said, "You have a magical water-based curse that turns you into a girl and a magic ring that alters the only set of clothes you have by your will."

"Noticed that did you?" Joe said, scratching the back of his head, "Okay, we'll give it a whirl." And so, Joe told them, starting with waking up in Limbo and leaving nothing out except that they were manga characters in his reality.

Three

One breakfast and six blown minds later, Genma brought up a much more mundane subject with Ranma. "School?" Ranma replied, making it a question.

"Well, we are going to be staying a while." Genma replied.

"Besides, to instruct people in the martial arts nowadays, you probably should get a Phys. Ed. Degree." Joe added. Ranma looked a bit taken aback at the prospect of more school after high school.

"It's the same school me and Akane go to." Nabiki chipped in, "We'll see you there."

"Nabiki, wait! I'll go with you!" Akane exclaimed.

"Akane, someone has to walk him to school." Nabiki told her sister before leaving.

Four

"You aren't marrying me or one of my sisters, you know!" Akane exclaimed as she and Ranma headed towards school, Ranma walking on a convenient fence.

Walking a little behind them, Joe let out a sigh, 'I hoped that they would be getting along better. At least Ranma didn't reply to that.'

Meanwhile, Akane continued, "So don't hang around me in school!"

"Don't worry!" Ranma replied, "I can't stand tomboys like you!" At this point, Joe kicked the fence and Ranma nearly fell into the canal on the other side, "What the hell was that for, Joe?" Ranma asked as he clung to the side of the fence.

"I know flinging insults is the only way to communicate that your father taught you, but you should know better than to listen to him anymore." Joe said, kicking the fence again and knocking Ranma in the canal.

An angry girl-Ranma leaped out of the canal and landed in front of Joe before shaking him and shouting, "Hand over your thermos!"

"Sorry. I don't have it." Joe lied.

"I'm going to go take a bath." Ranma grumbled.

"You'll be late." Akane pointed out.

"You think I want to go to school as a girl?" Ranma demanded.

"But if we just pour hot water on you, you'll change back, right?" Akane asked.

And so, as Akane began to lead them to Doctor Tofu's office, Joe had a thought, 'I can't help thinking I forgot something.' Then he was splashed, 'Damn, the old lady washing down the sidewalk! I always thought she was just a plot device.'

'Who says she isn't?' The Faceless One snickered into Joe's mind. Joe didn't reply and just followed Akane as she led them towards Doctor Tofu's office, after she used her ring to adjust the fit of her clothes.

Soon enough they were there and Joe and Ranma were waiting around the side of the building while Akane asked for the hot water, "Hot water? Just a moment, Akane dear." The old woman who answered the door said. While they waited Joe watched Doctor Tofu sneak up on Ranma in growing amusement until the doctor placed Betty the skeleton's hand on Ranma's shoulder and she looked back and literally jumped out of her shoes.

Ignoring Joe's laughter, Doctor Tofu addressed Ranma, "Oh, pardon me! Nothing to worry about, dear. This is just Betty, my skeleton."

"Ranma, Joe, here's the hot…" Akane began before noticing Doctor Tofu, "Oh! Doctor! Umm… Good morning!" She said using the kettle to make Ranma bow while she bowed herself.

"Good morning to you!" the doctor replied bowing himself while making Betty bow. Then Joe gave him a surprise by taking the kettle of hot water off of Ranma's head and pouring some over her head, changing into a he while using the magic of his ring to change his clothes with him.

"Jusenkyo is real?" The doctor gasped.

"Yeah." Joe replied, pouring water on Ranma to change her back, too, "I'm Barton Joseph, by the way. And this is Saotome Ranma."

"Oh, right! Hello, Ranma-kun. Joseph-kun." Doctor Tofu said, bouncing back from his surprise, "I'm Doctor Tofu Ono, the local chiropractor."

"Good to meet you!" Joe replied, "And it's Joe." Turning to address Ranma and Akane, Joe added, "Don't you have to get to school, you two."

"School can wait." Ranma replied, and then addressed Doctor Tofu, "You know about Jusenkyo?"

"I've heard stories." Doctor Tofu replied.

"Oh. So you wouldn't know of a cure." Ranma said.

"No. Sorry." Doctor Tofu apologized.

"Ranma, we have to go." Akane stated, dragging Ranma off.

"So, need any help around the office?" Joe asked.

Five

Unknown to Joe, the hungover Genma had stayed at the Tendo home to play shogi with the equally hungover Soun. They both were still trying to cheat, however.

Six

'That jerk Joe, exposing my curse to the doctor.' Ranma fumed as he and Akane ran towards school, aloud he asked, "So Doctor Tofu, he's a martial arts master, right?"

"Huh? How could you tell? But it's true, he's very good." Akane said, "But he doesn't look like he'd be, does he? Ever since I was little he's taken care of my injuries." Then, as they approached the gates of the school grounds, there was a horde of boys waiting. "I hate boys!" The instantly angry Akane shouted as she plowed into the crowd of said boys. Ranma meanwhile watched from the safety of the wall to the school grounds.

Meanwhile, Nabiki was watching with a small group of other girls, "Your poor sister. Every single day…" One of them said.

Nabiki, noticing Ranma, called out, "Ranma, get in the school!"

"But… but…" Ranma hesitated, pointing to the carnage below.

"Don't worry about Akane!" Nabiki shouted back.

Then the brawl was over and a sweaty Akane stood victorious over the horde, "For goodness sake. Every morning. What a drag!" She exclaimed.

"Truly. Such a boorish lot." Kuno said as he made his entrance, "Evidently each of them intends to ask you out Akane on the dawn that he finally defeats you."

"Oh. Upperclassman. Good morning." Akane stated, less than enthused.

"And now, Tendo Akane, might you fight with me?" Kuno asked, throwing Akane the rose he was holding and drawing his bokken.

"Man, you're popular, aren't you?" Ranma asked Akane as he jumped down next to her.

"Stay out of the way. You'll get hurt." Akane replied

"What's going on?" Ranma questioned.

"You'll see." Akane said shortly.

"You there!" Kuno said, brandishing his bokken in Ranma's direction.

"What?" Ranma asked.

"You are being quite familiar with Akane." Kuno pointed out as storm clouds rumbled in.

"Tell him, Akane. Akane?" Ranma said.

"Tell him what?" Akane replied.

"Who are you, boor? Ah! But it is the custom to give one's own name first! Fine, then! Mine I shall give!" Kuno shouted.

"Huh?" Ranma said, confused, "If you want…"

"My name is upperclassman Kuno. Junior. Group E. Captain of the Kendo Club. Undefeated new star of the high school kendo world. But my peers call me… The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High!" As Kuno finished, a lightning bolt struck dramatically in the background.

"Blue thunder?" One of the girls next to Nabiki questioned.

"Have you heard that?" Another asked her.

"News to me." Nabiki replied.

Meanwhile, Ranma begin his own introduction, "Okay, I'm staying at the Tendo Dojo…

"What? Under the same roof as Akane!" Kuno shouted as he took a swing with his bokken at Ranma, which was jumped over with ease.

"I'm heir to the Saotome school of Indiscriminate grappling…" Ranma continued in mid-air before pausing to throw his book bag to Akane, saying to her, "Here, hold my bag a sec." Then finishing his introduction, "I am Saotome Ranma! And I accept your challenge!"

Meanwhile, a crowd had gathered on the school's walkways to watch the upcoming fight, "Hey! Someone's taking on Kuno!" Someone exclaimed.

"Talk about dangerous!" Someone else said.

"So, you scoundrel. Hounding Akane, eh? I, upperclassman Kuno, shall bring you to justice!" Kuno stated as the storm clouds rumbled.

"So who's "hounding" anyone?" Ranma questioned.

"He's only staying with us, Kuno!" Akane said.

"Silence, fool!" Kuno shouted at Ranma as he attacked. He ended up taking a slice out of the wall to the school grounds as he missed. His next attack felled a tree as Ranma dodged again, "Blast!"

"Now hold on!" Ranma shouted as he and the treetop landed. He then rushed Kuno so fast he was in Kuno's face before anyone could blink, "Let me make this perfectly clear, Akane means nothing to me! If you want the tomboy, you can have her!"

"Jerk!" Akane shouted, throwing Ranma's book bag at his back.

The book bag was the next thing destroyed by Kuno as he slashed at Ranma, shouting, "Speaking ill of Akane! I forbid it!" Ranma finally struck back as he came back down from his leap with two fingers striking Kuno on the forehead. Unfortunately for Ranma, it started raining.

"Damn it!" He, now a she, shouted.

"What sorcery is this?" Kuno asked. His answer was a fist that buried itself in his stomach, driving the breath from his lungs followed up by a kick to the face that knocked him out.

"Hey did that guy just turn into a girl?" Asked someone who had been watching. His only answer was stunned silence.

Seven

In Limbo, the Faceless One watched the end of Ranma's fight with Kuno before chuckling slightly at Ranma's expense. "I don't see anything funny." Draca stated, turning her back on the image before them, "Besides Joe ended up being so boring that you had to turn aside and watch these others. When are you going to free me? I…" She was interrupted by a backhand to the back of her head that sent her flying several feet through the air before crashing to the ground on her face.

"I will decide when you go free, not you!" The Faceless One exclaimed as Draca picked herself back up, "But speaking of Joe…" The image he was watching switched to Joe, who was inside Doctor Tofu's clinic speaking with the doctor further about a job.

Eight

Joe collapsed in pain mid-sentence. Once again it felt like his head was in a vice. So he knew before the Faceless One said anything that he had made the god angry again, 'Joe, what do you think you are doing?' The Faceless One hissed in Joe's mind.

'Looking for a job?' Joe thought back.

'No. That's not what you are doing. What you are doing is boring me.' Then as suddenly as they had come, both the pain and the Faceless One's presence were gone.

"Joe-san, are you alright?" Doctor Tofu questioned.

"Yeah… For now…" Joe replied, picking himself up off the floor.

Nine

Meanwhile, Akane had led the protesting Ranma directly to their classroom to avoid being late. After the teacher introduced Ranma, the room devolved into chaos as everyone tried to ask Ranma questions at the same time. The teacher then pulled a megaphone out of his desk and shouted into it, "Raise your hands and we'll take questions one at a time!"

"Yes, Sensei." The class chorused.

"Weren't you a boy when you were fighting Kuno?" One girl asked.

"Yes! I am a guy!" Ranma exclaimed.

"How is it that you're a girl now?" A boy asked.

"This is a curse! Cold water turns me into a girl, hot water changes me back." Ranma explained.

Ten

A little later, in the Nurse's office, Kuno woke up, "A woman… Saotome turned into a woman when it rained." He immediately and loudly reached a conclusion that only he could jump to, "Foul Demon! I will not allow you to corrupt the Fierce Tigress Akane! I shall smite thee!" Thus he got up and rushed off to find Ranma.

Eleven

Ranma, on the other hand, was sitting at her desk feeling a mixture of boredom and annoyance. The boredom was due to the teacher's droning voice and the annoyance was due to said teacher not allowing her to go find hot water and become a him again and the whispers of her classmates. Because of this, she was actually glad to see the ranting Kuno burst into the classroom, challenging her to a fight, "Foul demon Saotome, I shall not allow it! I shall smite thee for even daring to stay under Tendo Akane's roof!" He then rushed Ranma with an overhead slash of his bokken but only succeeded in destroying Ranma's desk as Ranma rolled out of the way.

"Ya wanna fight? Fine, but here ain't the place. Follow me." Ranma said as she dashed out of the room.

"That I shall!" Kuno declared as he followed.

"I have got to see this." One of the boys in the class said as he followed. Apparently, the rest of the class agreed as they rushed out of the classroom en masse.

"Hey! No running in the halls!" Another teacher shouted. He was ignored.

"Let's get outside! Follow me!" Ranma shouted to Kuno as she jumped through a nearby open window.

"Fear not!" Kuno replied as he followed.

"Hey! This is the third floor!" The Teacher shouted.

"Ack!" Went Kuno as he realized that yes, he had just jumped out a third floor window.

"Damn it!" Ranma cursed as she realized they were over the pool. And then they splashed down. Ranma immediately began to swim to the end of the pool, but then realized Kuno was just floating there, unconscious. She grabbed him and started to carry him to the pool's end.

"Saotome, I fight on!" Kuno declared as he awoke and grabbed at Ranma, groping her in the process.

"Let me go!" Ranma shouted before jumping out of the pool and slamming Kuno to the concrete, "Pervert!"

Kuno sprung to his feet, drawing a second bokken to replace the one at the bottom of the pool from somewhere and declared again, "I fight on!"

"Fine by me!" Ranma replied, rushing Kuno.

"The game ends!" Kuno declared before his bokken launched into a blur as he used his best attack, "Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!" Unfortunately for him, Ranma was faster and dodged all his attacks before launching kicks at all his vulnerable spots so quickly it looked like she had only swept her foot in an upward arc. Kuno had a moment to grin at the apparent miss before he collapsed, unconscious again.

"How did Saotome do that?" One of the watching students asked.

Meanwhile, Akane joined Ranma and the unconscious Kuno poolside with a kettle of hot water and poured it over Ranma's head turning her to him. Then she turned the facedown Kuno over and examined him. "Oh my. You hit a vulnerable spot with each blow." Then she noticed Kuno's forehead had bufoon written on it, "When did you do this?"

"This morning." Ranma told her.

"You misspelled buffoon." Akane replied, "But you sure have Kuno's number. He's an idiot." That said, they took the blue blunder to the nurse's office and returned to class.

Twelve

That evening, back at the Tendo Dojo, the Saotomes and Joe fought in an all-out three way spar in the Tendo yard. Joe quickly found herself in the koi pond followed by the panda moments later. In fact, Ranma had thrown Genma right into her as she was climbing out, "Ouch! Damn it, Ranma-san! What's got you so fired up anyways?" Joe demanded as she hefted the panda over her head and threw him aside.

"Well, my curse was revealed to the whole school this morning and I was attacked twice by this idiot samurai wannabe. The second time he was shouting about me being a demon because of the curse." Ranma explained. Joe splashed him. "What'd ya do that for?" She demanded.

"To cool you off. There's no need to take it out on me." Joe replied as she waded out of the pond again, "Besides, the way we attract water, it was going to get out anyway." Meanwhile she was thinking, 'Where the hell was Genma?'

'Playing shogi while hung-over with Tendo-san." The Faceless One informed her.

Genma hit Ranma and Joe both with signs reading, "Pay attention!" And then, the fight was on again until Kasumi called out that dinner was ready.

Thirteen

At dinner, Akane ignored the Saotome's fight over food to question Joe, "Okay, Joe-san, explain something to me. I've seen you three and Kuno do things I thought impossible before today."

"Like?" Joe asked.

"Like jump impossibly high, lift a panda over your head, Kuno and Ranma moved so fast in their fights that I couldn't see their attacks. How did you do it?" Akane continued.

"Ki-enhancement of our muscles. We could probably teach you if you wanted?" Joe said with a shrug.

"Why would I waste time teaching a girl?" Genma questioned with a sign. He was promptly punched outside into the pond by Joe.

"Why wouldn't we?" Joe asked, "She's the heir of the Tendo School of Anything Goes, is she not? It's bad enough that her father neglected her training."

"But pops is right. She's a girl!" Ranma threw in.

"So What? There's exactly one thing guys can do that girls can't and that is piss standing up. I'll train her if she wants, even if I'm alone in doing it." Joe replied heatedly.

"Alright, I'll help." Ranma said reluctantly.

A/N

Next Time-A minor time skip ahead to Ranma and Ryoga's battle.


	5. Ryoga

Disclaimer-Seeing as I am a poor white guy living in America and not a rich Japanese woman, I think it's safe to say that Ranma One-Half isn't mine. Joe, the Faceless One, Hack, Slash and Draca are, though.

"Blah."-Speech

'Blah'-thoughts or telepathic communication

D the Stampede Presents

Joe One-Half: Book One of Joe the Wanderer

Chapter Five-Ryoga

One

The next two weeks passed relatively quietly. That is to say not very by normal standards. Kuno challenged Ranma on a daily basis and got beat down. The horde continued to attack Akane as she was not engaged to Ranma. And finally, Joe and Ranma's attempts to train Akane met with limited success as Ranma refused to fight back during spars and Joe made for a poor sensei seeing as his martial arts skills had literally been given to him. However, that was about to change as Joe received a night time visit from the Faceless One as he slept, "Yes, what is it?" he asked the god as they stood in the landscape of his mind.

"While the changes your presence has caused are mildly amusing, I am overall disappointed with you," the Faceless One stated, "However, I thought you should know that Ryoga arrives at the high school tomorrow afternoon. Be there."

Two

And so, the next afternoon found Joe sitting by the gate to the Furinkan High School grounds waiting for Ryoga. Then, just after the final bell, Ryoga showed up and grabbing a nearby student by the front of his shirt, demanded, "Where's Furinkan High School?"

"You're standing in front of it, moron," Joe replied from his seat under the school's sign.

Flushing in anger from the insult, Ryoga demanded, "Where is Saotome Ranma?"

Joe was prevented from answering by Akane's shout, "Ranma! Stop!"

"Come and get me!" came Ranma's reply.

Ryoga meanwhile sprang into action, leaping at Ranma, who was also in mid-air, and attempting to strike him with his umbrella while shouting, "Ranma! Prepare to die!" Ranma dodged the downward strike from the umbrella in an unlikely display of mid-air acrobatics and Ryoga's strike hit the ground, leaving a crater.

"Yow!" A nearby bystander shouted as Ranma jumped away from Ryoga.

"You!" Ranma exclaimed.

"You haven't changed, Ranma. You're still good at running away." Ryoga said.

"Someone you know?" Akane asked Ranma. Then added when Ranma failed to remember Ryoga's name, "Don't strain your brain remembering, Ranma."

"Just tell me one thing, Ranma." Ryoga said, "Why did you run out on our fight?"

"Wait! I remember!" Ranma said, palming his fist, "You were in my class at my old school, Hibiki Ryoga. Long time, no see!"

"Answer my question!" Ryoga demanded.

"I waited three days at the appointed place." Ranma replied.

"Three days!" Akane repeated.

"Yes, and when I came on the fourth day you had already run away!" Ryoga exclaimed.

Sweat-dropping, Ranma said, "Ryoga, can I ask you something? Why did it take you four days to get there?"

"Why, you!" Ryoga exclaimed, "Do you think I was out for a casual stroll for four days? I suffered to meet up with you!"

"Bad sense of direction?" A nearby student questioned another.

"Very bad." His friend corrected.

"Very bad indeed." A third guy agreed.

Meanwhile, Ryoga was working himself up into a frenzy, "Breaking a vow between men." He continued, clutching the handle of his umbrella before taking a swing at Ranma with it, "And running to China with your father!"

"Excuse me." Joe interjected as Ranma jumped back from Ryoga's attack.

"What?" Ryoga demanded, turning on Joe.

"Don't you think being late by four days counts as a forfeit?" Joe asked reasonably.

"No!" Ryoga shouted in Joe's face, "Time means nothing in a vow between men!"

"I see. Can you tell us what the big, important fight was about then?" Joe asked.

"He was always stealing the last of the bread from me at lunch!" Ryoga shouted.

There was some muttering in the crowd that had gathered to watch the confrontation, mostly to the effect that that was a stupid reason for a martial arts duel, causing Ryoga to flush in anger again and glare at the crowd. "I see," Joe replied again, and then going along with the crowd, added, "Don't you think that is kind of a silly reason for a fight?"

"Doesn't matter. He agreed to the duel then ran away!" Ryoga shouted.

Taking a step back from Ryoga, Joe pulled a bottle of water from his potions pouch and shouting back, "I think you need to cool off!" threw the water on Ryoga. The result wasn't exactly what Joe was expecting. Instead of a black piglet emerging from Ryoga's clothes, there was a wolf struggling to get out of his shirt. 'Shit! What the hell is this?' Joe thought furiously at the Faceless One.

'You didn't expect everything to happen as Takahashi depicted in her manga, did you?' the Faceless One replied.

Joe was prevented from replying by a snarling Ryoga-wolf lunging at him. Leaping over the pissed-off canine's attack, Joe landed by Ryoga's fallen pack, clothes and umbrella. 'Good time to test my strength, I think,' he thought grabbing the umbrella's handle. He then spun around and swung it, hitting the lunging Ryoga in the head and knocking the wolf out. "Hey, Ranma-san, looks like he chased you all the way to Jusenkyo," He then threw the wolf over a shoulder in a fireman's carry and continued, "Show's over, people. Ranma-san, if you would grab Hibiki-san's stuff so we can head back to the dojo?" After Ranma did so, the group of three people and one unconscious wolf headed back to the Tendo home.

Three

Once they were back at the Tendo home, Joe carried Ryoga into the furo, filled the tub and woke his passenger up by tossing him in the hot water. Ryoga came up sputtering and spitting out water and then shouted at Joe, "Bastard! Where's Ranma?"

"He's around," Joe replied, ignoring the insult, "Thing is, what are you going to do when you see him?"

"Get my revenge, what else? The coward ran out on our fight, so I had to try and chase him down and ended up getting this curse." Ryoga said.

"Once again, you were four days late to that duel," Joe attempted to reason, "So if I'm right, Ranma's only partially at fault for your curse."

"Partially at fault? What do you mean?" Ryoga asked.

"Ranma and his father went to Jusenkyo. They're cursed, too."

"Really?" Ryoga asked gleefully, "What does that coward become?"

"He becomes a girl. His father becomes a panda."

Ryoga's glee instantly turned back into rage, "What?" He shouted for the whole neighborhood to hear, "Ranma knocked me off the cliff into the spring! I'm going to kill him!"

Joe pulled Slash from its sheath and held it to Ryoga's neck, then calmly asked, "Do you mean that?"

Gulping at the sudden presence of a katana at his neck, Ryoga insisted, "Of course I do. First, he ran out on our duel, then, he cursed me and now he's hiding behind you."

"You were late by four days and I'm doing this on my own. I've had to kill before and it isn't easy to deal with afterwards," Joe replied, sheathing Slash, "As for pushing you off the cliff, Ranma was so blind with rage that all he could think of was beating up the panda bear."

"How do you know that?"

"I was there," Joe then held up a hand to forestall Ryoga's protest and added, "However, I couldn't keep up and could only watch it happen. I'm very sorry and I'm sure Ranma will be, too. Now, take this and dry off. Your clothes, pack and umbrella are in the changing room," Joe finished, handing Ryoga a towel and leaving the bath.

Four

Ryoga dried off, dressed and left the dojo after delivering a challenge to Ranma.

Five

A week later, Ranma and Ryoga faced off for their duel at Furinkan High's soccer field with most of the school gathering around the edges of the field to watch, plus Joe of course. "Listen, Ryoga, I'm sorry about Jusenkyo," Ranma said.

"We're past words now, Ranma. I'll have my revenge!" Ryoga shouted as he sprang to the attack with a series of jabs from his umbrella which Ranma dodged by simply backing up, hands in pockets. Infuriated, Ryoga leapt into the air with Ranma following suit and swung his umbrella like a club. Ranma dodged over the strike and they landed behind each other before turning around to face off again, Ranma's hands still in his pockets. "You're not taking this seriously!" Ryoga bellowed before snapping his umbrella open and throwing it at Ranma, who dodged to the side, hands finally leaving his pockets. Ryoga rushed him while pulling a bandana off his head, which he tied around Ranma's wrist with a snap. "This'll keep you from running away!" He shouted as he lashed out with his other hand.

After deflecting Ryoga's strike with his forearm, Ranma asked, "Tell me something, how many bandanas are you wearing?"

"You won't make light of this, Saotome!" Ryoga shouted launching a roundhouse kick which Ranma countered with his own.

Meanwhile, Ryoga's umbrella crashed to the ground among the crowd, some of whom barely got out of the way. "Man, that guy might be an even match for Saotome," A watcher who hadn't had a near encounter with the umbrella stated.

"Yow, what's with this umbrella?" Another shouted while trying to lift it and catching Akane's attention.

"What's the trouble?" she asked.

"This thing weighs a ton." He replied, both hands on the handle and straining to lift it any.

"A ton? Hardly." Joe interjected, "Damn thing is heavy, though."

Curious, Akane tried to lift it herself and it only came a few inches of the ground, "Huh? But both you and Ryoga swung it one-handed," She said to Joe.

"And so could Ranma," Joe said simply, 'Looks like our training is having some effect, after all. That's further than she lifted it in the manga.'

'So it is,' the Faceless One agreed.

Back in the fight, Ranma finally failed to dodge one of Ryoga's strikes completely and earned a cut on the cheek. Ryoga smiled at this drawing of first blood. "He cut me," Ranma said to himself while wiping the cut with the back of his hand then licking the blood off said hand, "Well, looks like I may have to get serious." He then dodged the next blow so quickly he left an afterimage and ducking between Ryoga's legs to deliver a kick with both feet to the back of Ryoga's head and drive him to hand and knees while sitting on his back.

"You… you dare try to push me…" Ryoga grunted while lifting them both off the ground one-handed, "To my knees?" He finished, launching them into the air with his free hand.

"What a jump! And with his arm!" An onlooker exclaimed.

"One arm!" Another added.

Meanwhile, Ranma dodged Ryoga's follow-up kick and somehow ended up on the ground underneath him where he deliver a mule kick to his chest, tearing the bandana holding them together and sending Ryoga airborne and towards the crowd who rushed to get out of the way. Except Joe, who grabbed Akane and jumped the fence surrounding the field. Ryoga sprung out of the way of the incoming Ranma's kick and grabbed his umbrella again, then turned and lashed out with it, tearing Ranma's shirt. "This was my favorite shirt!" Ranma exclaimed.

"This is war!" Ryoga shouted, "Don't act like a girl!"

"Who are you calling a girl?" Ranma shouted back as he went on the attack, angry.

"Whoa!" Ryoga said, as he bounded backwards over the fence away from Ranma's kick.

"They're over the fence!" A member of the crowd shouted as they went around it.

"After them!" another said.

Ryoga landed atop the water fountain on the other side of the fence. Ranma, shouting, "Well? Who are you calling a girl?" launched into a kick that demolished said water fountain, sending water spraying into the air.

"Water!" One of the crowd shouted, "They've cracked the very earth!"

"Even worse!" Another shouted, "It's the water fountain!"

"Hey, doesn't that mean Saotome is gonna turn into a girl?" Another threw in.

"Yeah?" his friend asked.

"And his shirt ripped at the chest?" the one who pointed that out added.

"You're right! We've got to see this!" his friend replied.

'Perverts' Akane thought.

Meanwhile, Ryoga blocked the spray of water with his umbrella. And then gaped in surprise as Ranma, now female, bounded out of the spray of water. "Well, Ryoga?" Ranma shouted as she jumped towards Ryoga, flashing him in the process and kicking him in the chin.

"Heh." Ryoga laughed after recovering, "Yeah, Ranma, you are a girl."

"What?" Ranma said, looking down, "Damn it, the fountain!"

"And you have such a great figure," Ryoga added, still laughing as he pulled several bandanas off his head and threw them like shuriken at Ranma.

Ranma ducked and weaved through them to deliver several kicks to Ryoga's nuts while shouting, "I am a guy, Damn it!" then followed them up with a roundhouse kick to the temple that knocked Ryoga out.

At the front of the crowd rushing around the spray of water to see the fight, Joe drew Hack and Slash and used them to bat the bandanas out of the air before sheathing them again. Then, skidding to a stop behind Ranma took in the sight before him and turned to the crowd and said, "Show's already ended, people. Ranma won," he then walked up to Ranma and handed her his denim work-shirt to cover up with, "Here," he said

"What's that for?" she asked.

"To cover up with, unless you want to give the male half of your school a free show."

"I'm a guy, damn it!" she repeated.

"The mind is, the body isn't," he replied. Grumbling, Ranma put the shirt on and buttoned it up. The male population of Furinkan High groaned in annoyance at Joe.

A/N

Next Time-Ryoga, part 2. What happens when Ryoga invades the Tendo home in the middle of the night to attack Ranma this time? And I promise not to leave you waiting several months to find out.


End file.
